My heart hurts today. Today the kids had their Christmas parties at school that both Steve and I attended. We took Will with us (dressed as the cutest elf ever). We helped do crafts, make treats, and just basked in the magic of the holiday season with young children. Our kids are never short on love, praise, food, clothes, shelter, anything really. And many of their friends aren't either. The reason I am rambling about this is to get to the real reason that my heart hurts.
As I was leaving with Jordan one of the kids in his class came up to him as he was walking out the door and told him "Merry Christmas Jordan!!" And my child's response??? "Ok". I was devasted. Now this doesn't seem like a huge deal- I mean he is 7, the other kid didn't even hear what he said so Jordan's teacher and I both said "Oh he said Merry Christmas". So why does this hurt me? Because this particular child needs love. He needs a friend. He needs people to care and to listen and to be nice. This child was being a friend to Jordan and he wanted Jordan to show that he cared. And all Jordan said was "ok". I am failing.
I am failing because I want my children to be a friend to the kids that don't have many friends. I want them to care for those less fortunate than themselves. I want them to see a hurting heart and want to make a difference in that person's life. How do I teach them that? How to I teach them to love like Jesus? The only answer I can think of? I need to demonstrate this in my life. I thought I was but I am obviously not doing a good enough job.
Lately I have felt like I am not answering God's call on my life. Now a large part of that is that I can't figure out exactly what that call is. Maybe I'm not listening. Maybe I'm just not getting it. But tonight I have prayed over and over "please Jesus help me to hear your call, help me to listen, help me to know what to do with this beautiful, blessed life that you have given me". And I have been praying for the little boy in Jordan's class. That he will feel God's love and peace. I have literally been on my knees crying (and if you know me- my claim to fame is that I don't cry. Pretty much ever). But I am crying out tonight.
And so tonight I am making a vow. I am vowing to spend more time in prayer. I am vowing to spend more time in God's word. And I am vowing that I will listen and seek until I hear God's calling. Is it starting a women's ministry? Is it starting a ministry to the poor? I am vowing that after I hear God's calling I will continue to listen and seek him. I will take this crazy, beautiful, blessed beyond belief life that he has given me and I will use it to glorify him. 100% glorify him. And I will teach my children to do the same.
So please pray for me. Pray for my heart to be open. And pray for all the little boys and girls that need a little extra love.
